Nothing 4 Nothing

Last day of May...I keep looking for A's email, but guess he is mad at me, don't know why. I love you sweetcakes, just write me a line. Went grocery shopping and Chatty Cathy was the clerk, she went on and on about nothing and I wasn't amused. She questioned my "old" $20 bill, said she never seen one before. I told her old or new money is money. She told me that another brand of frozen dinner was cheaper than what I was buying. It was to early in the morning for conversation. *lol* I am going to send for the Ventura Life and Style magazine that has an article about Jimmie Wallet in it. Wish I could at least talk about him and his situation to people I know, but they act as if I am crazy to be worried about a stranger. I really believe he is a good man and so far has been getting a raw deal from agencies that are suppose to help. Remember "Deep Throat"? Apparently he doesn't live all that far from here. I am talking about the man who brought Nixon down not the porno movie. *lol* I read a line today that I want to use in my story "dark night of his soul"...sounds haunting doesn't it? I love novels and movies with sad endings. Til next time...luv ya all!!

I watched Titanic again last night and cried for 2 hours. What is wrong with me? I guess it is deep in my heart I always wanted to marry an artist. I love the soul of an artist and how they can capture the beauty they see in their hearts. They don't need fancy cameras just a pad and pencil. They don't need words to express their inner feelings. Artists are beautiful people!!
I didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning but finally got my act together. The temperature is warming up again...rats! SK phoned from Maryland that was a nice surprise, P may be moving to NC soon. This is so gross, I was out in the side garden and I heard my neighbor fart!!! I sneaked away, I didn't want him to know I was there. But it dang near freaked me out.
Drama queen is becoming a thorn in my side, I try so hard to be nice to her but it is becoming more difficult with her lies and twisted stories.
Our town had a memorial service by the river today for veterans lost at sea. It was very touching but short, lasting only 10 minutes.

The 3 day Memorial weekend has begun. C & D are out in the desert somewhere in their RV, everyone else is staying close to home. Temps dropped to the mid-70's today, just the way I like it. There is a Dixieland Jazz Festival in Old Sacramento, I would like to go there, I like Dixieland and Cajun music and raw blues. I am a boring person and have nothing going on this weekend.
I need to catch up on some email and snail mail and do a number of odd jobs...but the spirit isn't willing. There was a good article about Jimmie Wallet in Ventura Life and Style Magazine online.
I want to order the issue to read the whole thing.
"Jump in the mess of human lives undressed
And sin unconfessed...and see beauty.
Look at the sea of misfits and misery
And cry til you bleed...and see beauty." (Skypark)

Bo Bice came in 2nd on American Idol last night...that show is rigged! He is the super star not Carrie, she is good but not THAT good. I know he will have a record contract soon. LOST final season episode was great. It tied up some loose ends and questions. Bad part is having to wait until Fall for the new shows to begin. Another hot day here. I thinned out the Japanese Bamboo bushes this morning, they look better. I just can't wait for N to come and do some yard work, N was suppose to be here a month and a half ago. I called on some ads that were in the paper about dogs for sale. I want a small doggie...I think...I can't make up my mind. I want a dog but not the responsibility...I don't want to become a pooper scooper again. Is that bad?
I want a dog without the work. Would a cat be better? Maybe a gold fish? Am I really that lazy? Guess I am. Don't know what I will do. Wish I could forward the emails I have been getting from the Drama Queen...I tell myself to delete her emails before reading them, then curiosity kills the cat. Well that is all....keep on rockin'

Long ago there was a Oglala Sioux Indian brave named "Man Afraid of His Horses" I often think of him and ponder his situation and to be remembered this way in history books. I hope he out grew his fear of horses.**
Today I became "Woman Afraid of Her Garbage Can" yes indeed that is me.
The black trash can was sitting next to the curb, I worked in the garden with my back turned to it. Then I saw a black thing behind me and jumped...my heart pounded, it was the trash can.
So I continued working and forgot about the can and got scared of it again and again. I'd see something black in the corner of my eye and quickly turn around to see who was there, it was the freaking garbage can! Why am I so slow to learn?
Did you notice last Sunday the San Francisco Giants became Los Gigantes?
**I just googled "Man Afraid of His Horses" he ended up being a leading warrior and Chef under Red Cloud in the 1870's...way to go Man!!!!

I wish I had something wise or witty to write here...but sadly I do not. I snail mailed a letter to Italy, those guys have a computer and are on the internet but for some reason want to correspond by snail mail. The weather outside is hot in the low 90's, hot weather makes me feel lazy...er...lazier maybe. Ever heard of energy zappers? They are people who when you are around them zap all your energy away from you, they make you feel wasted and all you want is to get far away from them. They are not mean people but they are zappers. I know a couple, whenever I see them and we talk, in person or by the phone, even emails I get tired. Sometimes I just have to avoid them for awhile until my energy level gets back to where it should be. I am still feeling sad about Aunt M's demise but I will get over it. I lost my Dad when I was 16 and Mom 3 years ago... Don't you hate that phrase "we lost Joe today" Lost him? Where did he go?
Are you trying to find him? Why did he run away? There should be another way to tell people that some one has died, why not just say the it...Joe died today. And don't give me that crap that he "is in a better place"...he is not here with me, am I so bad that he had to die to get away from me to be in a better place? Couldn't I have made it a better place? My thoughts are just swirling so I will call it quits.

The Dull Report...that is what I should have named this blog. I haven't felt up to par the past few days, don't know why...don't really care why. It must have hit about 87 degrees here this afternoon. Aunt M's gravesite service was this morning. The priest was 45 minutes late, he said someone called his office yesterday and cancelled. No one knows who did that...weird.
He said his prayers and everyone tossed roses from Aunt M's garden on top of the casket, and when they hit the roses made a strange metallic clunk sound. Maybe that was Aunt M's last good-bye? The priest who looked about 85 years old voice sounded almost like Aunt M. It is all to strange. Afterwards everyone ate at a nice Italian restaurant a few blocks away from the cemetery and gave a toast to the deceased as Italian music played in the back ground, she would have loved that. It is difficult to say good bye to a loved one even when knowing for months her time was nearing. I feel a loss and a emptiness inside me...but that is life we live and we die and nature takes its course. RIP-MH God bless and watch over you.

Didn't I tell you death comes in 3's....found out today Aunt M passed away May 18th, and another M, a friends sister died May 12th, A departed April 30....that is three. May they all rest in peace.
LOST last night was g-r-e-a-t.... and Bo is one of the final 2 on Idol....fantastic!!
J wants to come out here from The Big Easy for a visit this summer.
A is getting married in August.
The weather here is warming up...I must not give weather reports so often, I know they are boring.
I think my house has ghosts, really! I had a shag rug rake behind a bedroom door for years, yesterday I went to get it and it is gone. Other items have gone missing, I had 4 pictures in the closet of summer, fall, winter, spring in gold frames...they are gone. Since R died pictures have flown off the walls, and I can smell pot in the house now and then and no one is smoking it. I have a long story to write one day about R, but people will find it unbelievable.
I need to make a few phone calls.....

Here I sit in front of the old pc....R and I went shopping for 5 hours today and I'm tired.
We also went out to lunch to the grocery store and a farmers market. It looked as if it was going to rain any minute, but it didn't. 1 hour and 15 minutes until Lost is on TV...followed by Idol winners show. I voted for Bo last night, it took 30 minutes to get in 2 votes. He sounded so great last night, I will definitely buy his CD. I am going to wear blinkers like horses wear, because everytime I look around the yard I see more and more work to do. Hate when that happens. Have you ever drank Red Bull? I was wondering if it really gave you a lot of energy?
Maybe I should drink a couple cans and get all my work done in a flash? Sounds good to me.

I spent most of the afternoon trying to download an anti-virus software and still don't know if I did it right. I wish I knew a computer geek. Robert Blake was on Larry King last night, sometimes he talks with such wisdom that I think this guy knows what life is all about and then all of a sudden he makes no sense what-so-ever and is bleeped out. He is very complex, do I think he is a murderer? No. Tomorrow R and I are going shopping...maybe...if R's mind doesn't change, if so I hope R calls me this time. Wind was blowing here and I have been sneezing like mad. Had a dream last night that I moved to Ohio, rented an apt, some guy bought me a dog..it was a long dream but a nice one. C asked to describe myself quickly in 10 statements...so here goes:
1. Sometimes I sleep past noon on the weekends. 2. I have an ability with art. 3. I drink a lot of black coffee. 4. I worked my way through some difficult problems 5. I love handsome men
6. I am a bit lazy 7. I love to read 8. I am relatively normal 9. I put myself down to often and 10.
I am grateful to have you all in my life.

I don't spread gossip so read it here carefully once. There is a new twig on the family tree Riley Nichole born to AV...conrats!! The same AV bought a new ranch style home in Livermore.
His bro also initialed AV purchased a new home near the country club in Danville, according to his mom the 2 story interior has a spiral staircase and looks like a movie stars house. Hope I get to see it one day soon. I told M about liking "24" and she said "don't you have to be some sort of an intellectual to enjoy that show" The statement took me by surprise. "No" I replied "even stupid people like myself can understand the plot" S aka The Drama Queen, husband is in the hospital, for years I have heard how she hates that man, how she can't stand him, how she is kicking him out of her life, how hateful he is...today she says she loves him, misses him so much and can't wait for him to come home. Give me a break girl. I have caught S in many lies in the past but I never let on that I knew. I will like to hear her story after he is home for a few days.
And she asked that I pray for her "computer monitor" yes yes you heard right. The colors are haywire, and I should ask God maybe to work a miracle on her computer?? Am I complaining a lot, well it is like Moby said, it is alright to complain if you make it funny. Tom won Survivor, I am delighted, I liked him from the start. Guess that is it....see ya.

Ewwweee, I fried Italian sausage for the first time today. First they turned a God-awful gray color and took forever to get browned. Then I tasted about a 1/4 inch of one sausage and it was spicy and terrible. I am not eating any more of those things in this lifetime, I would rather chew on a Fear Factor bug!!
I need to mention Jimmy Wallet again. I read on a website and I strongly believe the source is true. It seems that the fine citizens of LaConchita refuse to give him and the Womack families any of the $90,000 collected in the Victims Relief fund, because they are not "home owners" and if that is not bad enough, the money the Red Cross collected is going to rebuild a movie theater!!!
I am so shocked and saddened by this news. Where is the love and compassion? Jimmie Wallet asked not to make a big deal out of it, he and Jasmine (his daughter) are just glad to be alive.
Bless his heart. But I think someone, some government official should look into the unfairness of this situation.

HOT here today, 87 degrees I believe, but feels much hotter. D went to the Bay to Breakers Run in San Francisco, I am anxious to hear all about it. Neighbors on this street were all busy today, mowing, washing cars, playing basketball, doing yard work etc. Spring has sprung. Received a sad note from WT today saying A passed away. Deaths happens in 3's and I await in a sort of fear about who goes next. I need to explain jumping frog contests to D I didn't think it would need explaining...1. Find a live frog. 2. Place said frog on a large wooden platform. 3. Make noises hoot and holler. 4. Watch frog jump. 5. Measure length jumped from start to finish point. 6. Frog leaping the fartherst distant wins. 7. Losers become a frog legs dinner....just kidding folks!

Good gravy Marie, some old lady used to say that on Hollywood Squares, why it came to mind right now is anyone's guess. I woke up this morning feeling jittery and tense, it had to be due to a dream I forgot. I thought people are suppose to wake up calm and relaxed...Apparently not I.
R was suppose to call this morning so we could get together...well, R never did call. R could have at least phoned to say don't wait around for me. That wasted my whole morning. After lunch I did some weed whacking. A sent the sweetest email, it has been a week since he emailed and I didn't reply, and A got it in his head that I was angry at him for something he said. That is totally untrue, I was just being lazy. A and I think so much alike sometimes it is scary. I am sure you already know that Robb and Amber came in 2nd in Amazing Race, and Bo is still in the running on Idol. Did you hear Oprah refer to her dog as "my daughter"? Is that sick or what? I love animals, but never did I call my dog or cat my son or daughter.Oprah its a f#@king D-O-G!!!
S is acting like a drama queen again, I just have to back away from her for a few days, otherwise all her negative thoughts engulf me. She is an energy zapper. I have made zero decisions and solved none of my problems yet, my head just can not focus I seem to panic and desperately want to run away from everything...hide emy head in the sand. That's all I have to say for today.

C called they are going to some campsite in Nevada for the weekend. At first I thought they were going to "Burning Man" but that if I recall correctly is at the end of May. Today has been fairly quiet the sun is out but windy. News said so far this year we in northern California had 14 funnel clouds ranging in grade F0 to F1, not like you see in the mid-west, ours are weaker in speed and destruction, but the mere amount of funnel clouds is a record. The bay area had 3 minor earthquakes Sunday. Does it sound like the world is coming to an end?? Maybe!! I will check my email one more time...and then watch Amazing Race final, I hope Robb and Amber win. I love Boston Robb, love accent, his attitude, play-man-ship (is that a word?) he is out to win, but the things he does to upset the other players is always done in jest, he is not mean-spirited. I had strawberry shortcake for dessert tonight...love it.

I am just not good at dealing with problems. I worry and I fuss and I over think things, and get myself all worked up. I have a few minor problems and one major one to contend with right now and I am not doing well. If I were a millionaire the first person I'd hire is a problem solver to work for me full time. I don't want to be bothered with decision making, or figuring out the facts, or worry about the outcome of situations, or if what I did is right or wrong etc. I have been dealing with problems on my own since I was 16 and I never was much good at it. Now I am getting worst. Anyhow, R and I went to visit L today and had pizza for lunch. On our way back home we stopped at a little roadside stand and bought a crate of strawberries. The berries are delicious and much sweeter than ones I bought at grocery store. Weather-wise I heard some thunders roll by minutes ago. The Elvis mini-series last night was good. But I was disappointed when Elvis at age 18 bought his mother a pink Cadillac, Gladys got in the car and admired it, I was waiting for her to utter her classic line 'but Elvis...I don't know how to drive"...but they didn't include that. Also movie had Elvis liking the gold lame suit Col. Parker had him wear on stage. He hated that suit. I have read a lot of books about Elvis. Col Parker is hateful in the movie and in real life. Elvis and I have "left the building"

Poem To My Mother
"I miss you so much
Your laugh, your smile, your touch.
You always brightened my days
With all the smiles you sent my way.
I need you as my angel
To always be at my side.
I need you as my angel
To give me peace of mind.
I like to think your near me
To know that you are there,
Even though I can not see you
I feel that you are near.
Please do not forget me Mama
For you are always in my heart,
My thoughts and prayers."
I love you Mom...my Mom passed away in December 2001 and I miss her so much today and
everyday. Good Bless you Mama.

I've never told anyone this, but I hate to look at myself in the mirror. Ever since I was little I have been only able to give myself quick glances in the mirror, it is like the face looking back at me is someone I don't know, and not me. It has even been scary sometimes to look at myself.
It is not that I am ugly or gross or anything like that, I am what anyone would call average looking, so that is not why I fear my reflection. I think perhaps my subconscious remembers my past life and has not adjusted to my current face. I would like to know if anyone else has ever felt like this. Renewed my drivers license today, when that national drivers license comes to law, it will really be a hassle, needing 4 documents to verify who you are...good grief. I believe we are
living in Orwell's "1984" now and things will slowly but surely get worst.

Many Cino di Mayo festivals, parades and music in this area. I love the music and the food.
Bought tamales today at a take out place. A can cook great Mexican food. Weather wise it has been stormy all day. C asked if I would dog sit Sam again, I haven't agreed yet, I still have visions of me chasing him down the street the last time he was here. Maybe if I don't open my front door, and don't leave the house for a week it will work. Lost last night was excellent for many reasons. They told why Sayid was in Australia, and they portrayed "terrorist" as real, human people. Hey Scott was finally voted off American Idol...God does indeed answer prayers!!
So many people disliked him, I have no idea why he lasted so long. All this talk about Paula Abdul, I think the voting system is rigged. Adios amigos

Happy Birthday ANTHONY!!!!
I saw a dog I liked today on TV, a Whippet (small greyhound) mix breed. His eyes were so loving and his body so sleek. The dogs name is Sonic. If I lived in Sacramento I know for sure I would have adopted him. I think that is how it will be for me, I will know the dog I want when I see him. I keep thinking chihuahua or fox terrier, but it may end up being a dalmation. *lol*
It has been threatening to rain all day, but hasn't as yet. I did some research on our ancestors, haven't done that in awhile. LOST is on in 1 hour and 45 minutes....can't wait... I read in today's paper that email and text messenging does more damage to the brain then pot. Who would have "thunk" that? Here is something to store with your useless info. The first person to enter Ellis Island when it opened in 1892 was a immigrant teenager from Ireland.

R called me from the beach, it was so cool to hear the roar of the ocean over the telephone.
I am tired of hearing people complain about money when they already have more then they will ever need. That has always bugged me. Today every email every conversation led to $$$ no matter how much I tried to change the subject. Last time the phone rang I didn't even pick it up. The Jumping Frog Jubilee is this weekend in Calaveras County. I went there several years ago and it was fun watching the frogs jump and seeing the stunts the 'frog jockeys' pulled trying to make their frog hop. One frog jumped off the stage and landed at my feet!! Dark green frogs are California froggies. Some people eat frog legs, yuck, can you imagine that. Thank goodness frogs are not on the menu at the jubilee. I have a plastic frog by the door, it croaks when you walk by..
If you want to hear a neat frog song, try to find the CD called "Buon Compleannos Evis" by Ligabue (an Italian rock band) and listen to "Rane a Rubiera Blues"....

Everyone I know has problems today..big ones...so it is not only me. Maybe it's the way of May? And J is mad at everyone and everything, even the dog. I feel so sleepy right now and it is only 6:30pm...I have to stay awake to watch "24" Phoned R today and R said that "Al and Carol just left"..I asked "Al and Carol...do I know them" R replied "they are your cousins" I had to laugh, they completely slipped my mind, or what mind I still have left. I don't see them very often...it is sad that when Al is in town he never calls or asks about me, to him I am a nobody I don't exist. After all these years I have come to accept his attitude...but I always liked my cousin Al and wish we could have been friends, it isn't as if I haven't tried. I started writing chapter 4 this weekend after saying I would give it up, I just can't stop, I feel so good when I write and love the illusional world I created...

May 1st a day to meet and greet colorful flowerful Spring. Today would had been Uncle A's birthday, but he is forever gone. Where ever you are I hope you are doing your infamous "intro" dance to the sound of a million angels. The temperature today is 80 it is very nice outdoors.
Haven't heard a peep from R in several days, when R has better things to do I am long forgotten...what more can I say? Turned off the news, it was making me depressed. I watch the news less and less...get what I need to know off the internet or from the radio. My Easter cactus is blooming, so what if it is a little late...it is so pretty, I have it by the front door. Watch Tower people rang my door bell, they are baaaack! I will have to start hiding from them again, maybe I will tell them I am Buddhist....but that might make their desire to convert even stronger?