Nothing 4 Nothing

I hate peanut butter!!! I hate the smell and the taste of it. If someone eats a peanut butter sandwich next to me, I have to move away from them. I never ate a peanut butter cookie or candy, I never ate roasted peanuts or the peanut butter cereals. I dislike tea, all flavors of tea, but I will drink ice cold sun tea during a hot summer afternoon. I am not to fond of tomatoes, but I do eat them if they are hidden away in salads and sandwiches and in sauces. I never ate a plain tomato off the vine just for the heck of it or had tomato soup. J is a vegetarian, he does not eat anything "with a face on it" but will eat eggs. E is on a diet and does not eat anything "white" like rice, white bread, potatoes etc. I can imagine all of us living together and sitting down for a meal, the good thing is that at least we won't be stealing each others food. I miss J he moved away a couple of years ago, he was my hippie friend, so laid back and kind. He sold t-shirts at outdoor festivals, his house was nearly bare of furniture, he only had the necessary things, he wasn't out to keep up with the Joneses. Who are Mr & Mrs Jones that we are suppose to imitate? They must be some rich dudes? *lol* Peace!!

The wind is howling as I write, I love the wind as long as it doesn't do any damage. M just sent me a email and said to get off the computer, M keeps calling and my line is always busy. Geez!
I am not going to sign off just to listen to M ramp and rave about my busy signal, that's no fun.
J wants to rent a red corvette this summer and drive along the coast, Calif to Washington, stopping here and there, it would be fun but I can't afford to go with J...:-( I was at the grocery store and Easter candies were 75% off, I didn't buy any but it was very tempting. I guess I am peeped out. Not much happening around here, same ole-same ole as they say. LOST is on tonight and it is a new episode, I can't wait, I have been counting down the hours like a real geek. Also the results of last nights American Idol will air. D and I discussed Paula Abdul, he said she looks strung our on pills or booze, the way she slurs her words, and how she "loves" everyone and her eyes look glazed. I'd make a poor witness as I haven't noticed, so will watch her closely tonight. I have wondered about her remarks from time to time. Take care y'all.

Love is...
Love is just for a day
Love is forever and to stay
Love is complete devotion
Love is a indiscreet emotion
Love is perpetual affection
Love is temporary attention
Love is a special one on one teaming
Love is for each a specific meaning
Love is cherished memories of beautiful hours
Love is a bouquet of pretty flowers.

Sunflower March 2005

Crash...
Tranquility of gentle rain
Sensibility of a whispered name
Thunderbolts across the skies
Harshness of untold lies
Impermeability of co-existence
Hallucinations of indolence
Blows the mind of flower children
Traps me where I am hidden
Crash!!

Sunflower May 2004

"Sea Shell, Sea Shell
Sing a song for me.
Sing about the ocean
Tell me about the sea." Today I rinsed and washed my collection of sea shells and put them all in one big glass bowl on top the coffee table, it looks sort of neat. I also took down my music boxes and replaced them with 4-5 chicken figurines. I have a yellow yield sign that reads "Chicken X-ing" and in the middle has black chicken silhouettes. Did I ever tell you my favorite story as a kid was "Chicken Little"...the sky is falling...the sky is falling!! I was the drama queen...maybe it is that story that led me to be afraid of my own shadow? When I was knee high to a grasshopper, I was terrified of my grandparents cement ducks that they had in the front yard, before I arrived, they had to cover them up with burlap sacks...I can go on, I was afraid of Aunt M's cuckoo clock, she had to stop the pendulum and cover it with a dish towel before I entered the house, and while I am on the subject of my insane childhood hang ups, I was also afraid of grass, I could walk on it, sit on it, but when the wind blew and caused the blades of grass to move, I was out of there!! As you may have already guessed people were really happy to see me coming--not! Lost photos arrived today. We had sun mixed in with rain. Cherrio!!

The most fun today was "The Peep Show With No Cover Charge" You know what peeps are? The marshmellow sugary chick and bunny candies. G made his peeps do crazy things that made us all laugh. Then G & C had a contest to see who could eat the most peeps, they keep count on their own "Peep-O-Meter" both ate over 20 and were on a sugar high the rest of they day.
G kept talking fasterand faster, both acted like kids. J made a lamb cake with coconut frosting.
She cut the head off first, placed it in a plate surrounded by straberry jam. No one wanted to eat it, except J, I think it was her plot to get the largest slice of cake. We also had ham and ravoli etc. We had a round table discussion about LOST, hid and found Easter eggs, and remembered the meaning of this Holy Day. Now I think we will watch the movie "Il Postino" in Italian. I like that movie, and it is a little about Pablo Neruda the poet. My favorite poem of his is "Don't Go Far Off, Not Even For A Day" I will post it here one day when I am at a blank as to what to say.
Peace be with you and Happy Easter!!

No, Amwar does not look like a pimp!! I had to laugh when D said that to me. I think Amwar is amazingly handsome, and his smile melts my heart. For those who don't know I am talking about American Idols "Amwar" The City crew came this morning and took away the branches they cut down yesterday, they left a mess on the sidewalk, but I will wait to clean it up. The tree looks stupid now, with branches only on top of its long trunk, it resembles some sort of a giant lollipop. I sent DB a ecard it was returned, said he no longer had that email address...what???
Since he lives in Italy it will be difficult to track him down. Now DD's father is in the hospital...he and L at the same time, it is very weird. I think I now opened up my comments link to everyone, so I would like to hear from you here as well as by personal email...thanks. I am new to blogging, and still can't figure out how to post pictures on this site. Tomorrow is Easter, don't know where I'll be yet. L said the Tegan & Sara concert was good, but she didn't like the crowd there. Don't eat to much chocolate tomorrow.... Adios

Good Friday afternoon! When I arrived home today the first thing I noticed was our pine tree...it had branches missing! At first I thought the wind did some damage, but the branches were sawed off. After investigation I found out the City crews cut off branches to several City planted trees on our street...only problem is the pine tree was not planted by the City. They left the sawed off branches lying across the sidewalk and on the lawn, not nice. When will they clear up the mess? It just sort of frustrates me...I wasn't in a good mood to begin with. For those who wanted my opinion and now are angry with me because I gave it and it doesn't agree with yours...tough! I have kept my views to myself long enough just not to hurt peoples feelings, and I am not going to do it anymore. I think it is fine to disagree on subjects, and I never did fit the mold. G sent me a nice card today and wrote such sweet words in it, also got one from J who wants me to move to "The Big Easy"...

C phoned earlier and said "I'm not going to the bathroom, I'm flushing drugs down the toilet" That sentence perked up my ears. *lol* Truth was C was disposing outdated prescription drugs. I have been invited to 2 places for Easter. L is still in the hospital, his heart stopped on the operating table, he told family he wished he had died. Sad, but I can understand L not wanting to undergo more surgeries and chemo and never being the same that he once was. On the upbeat his hospital room has a view of the Golden Gate Bridge. People are asking my opinion about Terri Schiavo, and that is difficult to answer. I personally think they should have let nature take its course 15 years ago. Keeping her alive in her vegetable state is cruel and unusual punishment, she suffered unnecessarily for 15 years, it is modern medicine keeping her alive not the will of God. I don't want to discuss Schiavo anymore and hope the media quits as well, enough is enough, lets focus on all those being killed in Iraq and elsewhere, why doesn't Bush act to save those lives? Hope to see P this week if they trek out this far. I am baking Easter cookies tonight...so I'll hippity hoppity along!

Another rainy day...and not much happened today, even my emails were boring. I usually get at least one "forward" that makes me laugh, but none today. I think people are avoiding me because I have been told many times "nobody likes you" those words were spoken by A who dished out a lot of verbal abuse. The scars of verbal abuse take longer to heal than physical abuse. The words stay deep within you, the words make you think less of yourself, make you feel useless and inferior, and gives the abuser complete control over your life, because he convinces you he is the only person in the world who will put up with you, not love you or care for you, but out of the kindness of his heart he puts up with you, without him you alone and unwanted and useless, etc. etc. Words hurt and words linger for a lifetime. I always felt everyone else was better than me... it has taken a long time to even begin to think otherwise. I never liked myself. When I did accomplish anything A would belittle what I did, tell me how others did it so much better. A never liked the clothes I wore, never gave me encouragement, never gave me a hug unless I asked for one, and then it would be a limp hug... I'd ask "do you love me?" A would reply "are you a baby, only a baby has to be told I love you all the time" I couldn't tell anyone about A because I was threatened "if you ever tell anyone..I'll..." etc. etc "..you always blame me...etc etc" A turned himself into the victim. A always acted so diffrent when others came to visit, laughing, talking when alone I got the cold shoulder... no one would have figured it out. This is the first time I have written about this in a form that others can read. People please do not verbal or physically abuse anyone... and I love you all. <3

From Blunder Board to Blogging Board...I was just reading Arlo's forum, he is looking for old dates..NO...not old ladies to date, old concert date info. If you have that info go directly to www.arlo.net and add your 2 cents worth. Rain and thunder here, I loved watching it rain today and found it strangely relaxing...soon it will be hotter than Hades here in the valley, I don't look forward to that. Not much else happened today. Tonight American Idol and Amazing Race are on at the same time, why do networks do that? Guess I will give my remote a work out switching channels every few minutes. Keep on Truckin'

I am out of touch with reality! I read a note telling me G is studying physics this year. I thought how cool is that, thinking it was phychics and what a neat school she is attending. In the school of my world we would study phychics. I love the world of the supernatural. G said she is going to see Tegan & Sara. "That's nice" I replied "Tell Sara I said Hi." "You know them?" G asked excitedly, "I know Sara" I said. Until I found out Tegan & Sara are a singing duo, twins, from Canada, and I do not know this Sara at all. I had a bad nightmare last night, I forgot where I parked my car and the cops were taking me to jail because I didn't know where it was, finally I ran away from them, and got on a bus...and woke up scared. San Francisco had a funnel cloud and a small tornado touch down Sunday afternoon, very rare. It all happened not to far from where I used to live. I wish I still lived in the City by the Bay. We had pea sized hail here not long ago...Ciao

"As within, so without. You cannot think one thing and produce another" (Emmett Fox)* Something to meditate on, if only I can put all my one line philosophies to good use. Raining on and off here, watched parts of movies on tv, parts because they were so lame. No wonder the films were never box office hits! *Who is Emmett Fox? President of Mexico? The world famous clown? Jamie Fox's brother? Relative of Redd Fox? I tend to think of these questions when I have too much time on my hands.* P's dad is in the hospital, he had surgery and now in intensive care. I pray that he will be fine. P's dad L has always been nice to me, he is quiet but has a weird sense of humor. I got a email from a long lost friend today, which is very nice. Today is Palm Sunday, I did not go to church to get a palm, my next door neighbor has a palm tree, I can easily cut a leaf off it if I wanted. I am not being sacrilegious, just wanted to be funny. I do believe in God although sometimes I do not understand Him...no He has never talked to me personally. Some people claim they hear God, I hear Him in the sound of the ocean crashing against the shore, in rain pelleting to the ground, in song birds and in beautiful music.

The rain arrived and I am still...you guessed it bored! So much so that I watched basketball on TV and I hate basketball, but UOP Tigers's were playing and it is my fault they lost. I have this thing that happens when a favorite team of mine plays any sport, the minute I start watching the game they start to lose, just look what I did to the 49'ers. If anyone wants to pay me to root for a team they want to lose a game, I am open to offers. *lol* I was outside this morning and H walked by so we chatted for awhile. She got a parking ticket and "forgot" to pay it, today she got a letter from the district attorney...pay up or else. I wish I would feel more up beat, be one of those people who see the glass as half full, but I always see the worst possible senerio about the outcome of things happening in my life, I never expect anything good to become of situations, what is the cure for that? If it is true that we reap what we sow, then I am in deep poo-poo!
Who once said "he who hopes is hopeless"? It must be a quote I heard from somewhere...but it is true. Also that "the world can not always be view with rose colored glasses." I will stop my depressing quotes now and see what the telly has to offer.

I am waiting for the rain...and I am bored. Weed-whacked part of the front yard today, after I finished my hands were shaking from holding on to that #&@! vibrating weeder eater so long! But I will admit the yard looks better. Earlier I was driving down a country road I know well , I guess I was in a trance or something because for a time I had no idea where I was or what direction I was going. That felt so strange and weird, I had to calm myself down, after I drove a little while longer I saw a familiar intersection and knew instantly my whereabouts. Geez, talk about feel loopy. Did you hear Scott Peterson saying he was "feeling jazzed" about going to San Quientin? What is with this guy? And Robert Blake saying he is "going cowboying" now that he is acquitted. I never heard that word before, Blake is a unique character, I hope Diane Sawyer or someone will do a long interview with him, and I hope he dyes his hair black again. Keep on keepin' on....

"Don't worry about tomorrow. God is already there" (Irish saying)
Happy St. Patrick's Day Lads and Lassies! A guy dressed as a leprechaun was in downtown Sacto this morning, chasing people on the street, giving them Lucky Charms cereal, he was so funny! R and I went to Escalon this afternoon, stopped at an old store that looked at least 100 years old, had wood exterior painted barn red, wood floors, old fixtures, it was like walking back in time. Cool! No corned beef and cabbage for me on this day, maybe a little green beer later *lol* Radio station has been playing some Irish jigs, makes me want to get up and dance...everyone is Irish today. I received 4 St. Paddy's Day cards...Enjoy the day...bunches of good luck y'all.

Saints and Sinners in the news today Scott Petterson, Robert Blake, Ashley Smith, Brian Nichols, Laci Peterson etc. Laci's mother bellowed her feelings in court about her former son in law. "I hope you burn in hell" she said. Would I say the same if I were her? Maybe, maybe not. Who do I admire who was in the same situation? Pat D. who said about her son's murderer "I have no sense of revenge. I would like to see this person get treated and stay off the streets"
Scott needs to understand his actions, killing him will not bring Laci or Cody back. The revenge in his execution will not bring closure to Laci's family. His parents and siblings need respect from the public, no more of the nasty name calling. We all need peace, we all need to understand each other more, to listen, learn by our mistakes. to love one another and to forgive.

My allergies are still bad, I poked my head out the door to get the mail and started sneezing.
I received the photos I have been waiting for...let me say that differently, I received the envelope from the photo lab containing my negatives, a fresh roll of film, return mailers and advertisements...but NO PHOTOGRAPHS!!! Was I shocked,(does the lab know I expect nothing in life and therefore sent me nothing? That is creepy)... where are my pictures, who has my pictures, I want my pictures!! I fired off a email to the lab, will see what develops (pardon the pun). Did you know that Bob Dylan recorded a song titled "The Sign of the Cross"? I just learned that today. It must had been during the days he 'saw the light'? Today would had been Paloma Wallets 3rd birthday, life is short, hug someone you love right now. G'Day

Pine tree "poof" that is why I am sneezing up a storm these days!! I was in the front yard doing my nothingness when I looked up at the pine tree, and saw brown "poofs" of dust coming off of the tree and traveling at least one foot before disappearing. What is that stuff? It can't be good for you. Bought gas $2.39 a gallon for self-serve...yikes! While there my mailman cruised in and we chatted, then a guy asked if I wanted to sell my car. I said "maybe" hoping he'd give me his phone number, but he didn't, his truck had a sign that said "graphic artist...Lake Tahoe" he was cute. D hates the word "cute" he mocks me when I describe anything or anyone as "cute"....well, D he was cute, cute, cute *lol* A discussion with R today involved the children's song from the 1960's "On Top of Spaghetti" it is sung to the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey" (google it for words/music) now I can't get it out of my head. Mario Vasquez (the hat dude) left American Idol this weekend for "personal reasons" he was my 4th favorite, would love to know his reasons. Adios!

How can I write with the ice cream truck driving down my street playing its goofy, high pitched song, that sounds like "Somewhere My Love" An odd tune for the ice cream truck. Another Sunday filled with nothingness...I need to get a life! I sent an email to R and everytime I hit "send" I received a message telling me "window can not be displayed" so I sent it again and again figuring it never went through. Then I looked at my "Sent" messages and saw it went through 6 times....R will know that I mean business. See, I can write a lot about nothing it takes a special talent that only a special few possess. Set up the old little tv in my room, it worked yesterday but today it is dead as a door nail, no picture no sound no nothing...guess I will have to unplug it and then what? Can it be thrown in the garbage? What do you do with worthless electronics? This dilemma I will have to work on.,,it will give me something to do besides nothing. Ciao!!

Totally Rad!! I just like saying that. Another Saturday night, most people are at GB's party but not me...no I sat home and watched the old movie Carrie on the telly, John Travolta was so young in it. I wonder how he feels with his looks and his age now? I think it is much harder for beautiful people to grow old, probably that is why so many in Tinseltown have face lifts? At least that is one worry I can cross of my list. *lol* I was on Hallmark Ecards, I will send a funny one about St. Patrick chasing snakes out of Ireland to friends, it made me laugh. I've been working on my prize winning "novel" it keeps me out of trouble. I always wanted to write something, and now I am determine to keep at it until it is finished. Then you all can say you knew me 'way back when..." *lol* I always wanted to play guitar and piano...A told me once how he felt when he plays sexy romantic and blusey blue songs on his guitar, I can only describe his feelings as sensual and passionate..I never really before gave much thought to how the musican feels when he plays his songs. Daddy once told me I could date musicans, but stay away from the drummers, they are all a little crazy. Ha Ha

I was in Blunderchat, and just when I was typing in my 2 cents worth I got booted off the internet by my server. Why does it always happen that way? Nearly 80 here today...but due to cool off soon. I hope so, not ready for summer. I had a hard time trying to find how to spell bona fide today, you wouldn't believe how terribly long it took, but I became determine to find that word if I needed it our not. J named her new puppy Nugget, he is 8 weeks old and 1 pound, so tiny. My "Chico" was that small when I got him. Saw Moby on Apprentice last night, I like Moby and his blog is cool. I check out a couple blogs daily...and others once a week or so...when I'm bored. That is all folks!

Went to the grocery store today, I live in a typical suburban city, and as I strolled around for the first time in my life I saw a selection of cowboy hats for sale! Cowboy hats I say!! Why? Why here? Why now? It took me by surprise, maybe a cult of cowboys have moved into town? Maybe I was in my pararel life somewhere deep in the heart of Texas? It just took me my surprise. LOST was a rerun last night, one thing got my interest, Saywer said to Sayid (you know how much I love Sayid lol) "I don't know if you Muslins believe in Karma or not"...got me thinking that too, but I could not find any answers on the web. I believe in good and bad karma...I must have done something in my previous life to anger the gods, because my karma has been bad for a real long time. George Noory said to carry the number 8 in your wallet and it will bring you money...well, I am trying it. R & A are in Sacramento today. J got herself a chihuahua pup, she is going on a cruise in August. How about the Michale Jackson deal? he being late to court and the judge just letting it go by...if it were you or I we'd be in jail...celebrities should be treated as everyone else...except for "Sayid" that is!!

I don't want to whin again today...so lets see, I talked to C about their trip to the coast and it sounded nice, R called and we chatted for awhile about nothing. My group of friends are like the characters on Senfeld, D is Jerry, M is George, N is Kramer....not as funny tho and that leaves me Elaine. We discuss nothingness to the fullest, we do not let news worthy events get in the way of our conversations. *lol* Speaking of news, Dan Rather is on his last week of TV newscasting, I read with discontent that his co-workers are bad-mouthing him, even Walter Cronkite!! Rather deserves better, he has always been a tough news reporter, I saw him dodging bullets in Viet Nam this week in an old news reel. Mama always told me, if you have nothing good to say about someone, then say nothing. These better then thou newspeople better listen to what my Mama said!! Good Luck Mr. Rather on your retirement.

After yet another night and morning of worry, fears and just plain feeling invisible, I logged on to my email and found a message from my good friend M, she must have ESP because all her words were encouraging and 'hit the nail on the head' as to how I was feeling and dealing with all my problems and insecurities at the time. I also heard from G who has not corresponded with me in several months, and I was worried I may have offended her..but that wasn't the case. G & M saved me today...thank you both. I did a foolish thing earlier, someone rang the door bell, I opened without looking out the peephole first, and a guy was standing there with shaved head, tatoos etc...he startled me, asked "does anyone name Larry live here" I told him "no" and he replied "I must be at the wrong house" He left without incident.

Today was heading downhill, so kept myself amused on the computer and on the telephone, now I feel much better. Nothing much happening around here, nothing good on tv, we do not have cable...must be the only house in the neighborhood without it. A cable guy was here once checking access or whatever and he had a good laugh when I told him we were not and never have been connected. I feel for some reason I am still living in the 1970's...it was maybe 5 years ago that I bought my first cd player, 4 years ago a cell phone, it makes only phone calls, no camera or internet or games, bought it because I HAD to at the time, about that same year I got my first computer and microwave. Nope, change does not come easily. Talked to A today, he is planning a family reunion of sorts in May, when I phoned N he was driving across the Bay Bridge in San Francisco, C is in Monterey, R is home watching Bush car races. I get bored watching cars drive for hours in a circle, but Jeff Gordon is a cutie. I feel awful about the Italian agent that was killed by US troops in Iraq and the wounding of the woman who was held hostage. Things like that should never happen, I hope the USA gets out of Iraq and all the middle east soon. Peace!!

I need to pick out the patterns of my thoughts try to get rid of fear, be joyful and not expect much, say adios to past memories, not worry about the tomorrow, and live in contentment of the present. Try to enjoy the beauty and simplity of Mother Nature, warm puppies and butterflies. The words sound good anyway....time will tell if can I live by them. C & D are on a weekend holiday up the coast. I remember not many years ago picking up seashells at low tide. Holding one in my hand feeling its texture and curves, awed by its fragile beauty. The ocean to me is profoundly mystical and spiritual, hearing the crash of waves on rocks, watching seagulls dance excitedy around the waters edge..ahh, wish I was at a beach right now. Brings to mind a poem I read;" Sea shell, sea shell, sing a song for me. Sing about the ocean. Tell me about the sea" Father Heaven, Mother Sea...bless us all.

I fell back to my old worrisome thinking habits today, feeling nothing good is in the future and the only place I am going from here is down. Words can not describe the depressing thoughts I have about myself and my life in general and how that makes me feel. Basically I am a private person and I can not tell friends what is really in my heart and mind, thereforeI carry the burden alone, and it is a heavy load. It is difficult to "pretend" to be happy and up when I am not, and to say "everything is fine" when I am drowing in a sea of problems. I feel useless, seems all my life I felt of little value to anyone, that whatever I accomplished was not good enough. Days like today I have to actually talk myself to get up in the morning, I want to lay in bed all day with the blankets pulled up over my head or just hide in a dark closet. I will get over this, at least I hope it passes, but truthfully even in my better days I still feel sad and lonely.

Today R and I drove to "the cowboy capital of the world" Yes, we saw a few cow pokes, western art and western wear shops, saddle and tack stores, art studios, feed shops selling hay, and several saloons. We passed by the rodeo grounds, (I am very much opposed to rodeos) passed the Hershey Plant and the Skunk train...it was a nice day trip. On the road we got to see many dairy farms, somes goats and llamas, sheep, mini horses and full sized horses. Yee-Haw!!!
I have been getting some hits on this blog, and am delighted. I didn't think anyone would be the least bit interested in reading my ramblings. Hope some one will leave a comment one day.

March rolled in like a lamb...will it roar our like a lion? I went to the post office today, there was a long line. The woman in front me was still writing her letter and then she had to addresse the envelope and buy the stamp. Don't people know before hand that they are going to the post office? You would think they had such details done ahead of time or do they drive by a post office and suddenly say to themselves, 'I owe Aunt Beth a letter' get in line and start writing it?
Pulled weeds in front yard, with all our rain they are plentiful and tall this year...way tall!
Watched American Idol last night, one guy, a rocker named Bo Bizz I think is Fantastic!!! He has soul and looks. But probably another nerdy guy will win.