Nothing 4 Nothing

For 2 nights in a row I hear a doorbell about 1AM, it startles me from my sleep...there is no one at the door by the time I get there. Now I don't know if I am just dreaming about the doorbell or is someone really ringing it?
Today I feel really-really depressed, I feel like I do not matter to anyone, that people would like to sit me out on the curb and let the garbage truck take me away...then they wouldn't have to even think about me anymore. I do not bother anyone or ask for help...I do not want to be a burden...I try to be cheerful and not tell anyone my fears and anxieties... still that is not enough.
All day it's been hard to focus on anything...and I cried to often...about nothing. I read that keeping a blog and saying what is on your mind helps...well, I'll give it a try. When your on the bottom there is only one way to go....up....right?

How did I spend this weekend? Wasting my time! I did a little bit of this and a little bit of that, went here and there, in other words did nothing, after all that is what this blog is all about.
"The Mayor" sat on a chair in the driveway for 3 days looking...it shouldn't bother me, but I always feel like I'm being spied upon.
I looked up the Porsche website about 2AM this morning because I couldn't sleep, and found what I wanted a metallic silver Cayman S with black leather interior!! When I win the lottery Porsche dealership here I come with my pockets full of money..lol I'm not in anyway a car person but this car is glamorous...well, aren't all Porsches like individual super stars? Ahh, to be rich...I don't even want to be rich and famous...just rich will do!! The Beatles once said 'money can't buy you love'...but it can buy me a little happiness like a little silver Porsche, that can go from zero to 60 mph in 5.1 seconds!!! Oh, and did I tell you I can get in one for a mere $58,900....lol
I didn't even think about the $400,000 models, see how conservative I am with even imaginary money.

Change $471.41...that is what the cash register said, obviously it was a mistake, but it would had been nice to have the store pay me that for being a customer.
R promised to treat me at Taco Bell... R later thought of an excuse and I ate a turkey sandwich at home.
M said that Defor and Cefor and popular dog and cat names in Australia, Defor meaning D for...dog and you guessed it C meaning C for...cat. Isn't it a cute idea?
Went for a walk and honeysuckle was plastered all over one house and that set my allergies going, my eyes are blurry and I've been sneezing.
Lots of cars on the road because of the 3-day weekend, lots of people selling cherries at cross roads. Where do these people come from? They stand alone at an intersection with boxes of cherries or whatever fruit is in season for who knows how long...who drops them off, who picks them up? I feel sorry for them.
TV is boring and the rerun season is too long. I "tried" to watch that new "So You Think You Can Dance" show but I couldn't, it's so lame.
Happy Taylor won on Idol...he seems like a nice guy, but I'm sure some reporter will dig up some dirt sooner or later.

I couldn't sleep last night so I started dialing American Idol. From 11pm until 12:30am all I got were busy signals and " all circuits are busy" messages, but after that I finally got to vote and vote often for Taylor!! Hope it helps him win. I didn't like that Simon said (Simon said...I feel like I'm back in the 3rd grade...lol) that Taylor would win. I think Simon knows that people will vote for Katherine just to prove him wrong. I probably won't see much of Idol tonight as the final of LOST is on at the same time, my favorite tv show of all time...but I'll switch channels during the LOST commercials tosee what's happening on Idol. I would like to see Justin again, I always liked him, besides being cute he has a nice personality. I heard Bo's new song today it is good.
It seems like Uncle L will be confined to a nursing home very soon...it makes me sad. Is that what you do with parents when they are no longer of any use...and the sale of their house will put money in their kids wallet? It has me upset.
I watched very little of the CMA's last night, I just don't like Reba, if she was having a concert across the street I wouldn't even bother to walk there. I heard heard nasty comment about the Dixie Chicks and saw the evil in her eyes! OK I'll sign off now...grrr mumble mumble....
Go "Soul Patrol"....

It rained Sunday and overnight...the temperatures cooled off and it feels very nice right now...but it won't last. I went to a bloggers website and lost my java script again, that always scares me I don't know why or how it happens, and then I forget how to get it back, maybe I should write it down. Watched poker finals on TV... the coolest player out there is Chris Ferguson. I'm learning how to keep a poker face and even how to hold cards not to give anything away. I always lose at poker because if I get good cards my face lights up and I feel like yelling "yahoo" and another reason I lose is because I actually don't know if I have good cards. lol I didn't understand why they said the winner was awarded a "bracelet" when in fact he received a wristwatch? And it cracks me up that any 3 card is a "trey"....gamblers are a funny lot. I would absolutely love to make a living gambling, it would be exciting and glamorous... I wouldn't mind spending a weekend in a penthouse suite and whenever I was low on cash or wanted something, no problem, just go to Vegas or Reno. Gotta go now...and play "Hearts"...stop laughing I can win at that card game!

I had 25 tulips in bloom this Spring. When we first moved here they were assorted colors but now all are red except one that's purple. I talked to someone else who used to have assorted tulips and theirs are now all yellow. Wonder why and how this happens?
The ice cream truck is going by. Right now he has the song "Old Susanna" playing...
I need to make some major decisions soon and I get nervous about it and can't focus on anything, my head hurts and all I'd like to do is run away...run away from everything and everyone. Our weather cooled down about 20 degrees today so that is a good thing.
I have a friend who emails me and everytime J wants to say "row" J types "roll" it's funny...sometimes I have to stop and figure it out, ie: I got first "roll" seats etc...
Barry Bonds tied Babe Ruth's home run record today...boo....boo...not fair, The Babe wasn't on steroids!! Have you seen the size of Barry's head these days not to mention his arms. Oh well, Barry's conscience will have to live with his "accomplishment" if he has one that is!!

Went on another little drive north to visit Uncle L. Stopped for pizza along the way. It is so hot dang near 100 degrees. I'm not ready for the hot weather and it has given me a huge headache. LOST was sort of lost last night on it's story line, I don't like it when plots skip back and forth in time...and I really don't care about Michael anymore.
I haven't been on chat for awhile because I'm tired of meeting new people who act as if they're your friends for a few months and then totally disappear without a word. I'm wondering if it is really worth the effort. My only long term chat friends have come from Italy, and I must say I'm glad we met, but new relationships...I need to think about that. Not much else to report...

I live across the street from the "Mayor of the Block".... the unofficial mayor of our street. R is always sitting in a chair on his driveway and looking...looking when you leave the house, looking when you return, looking when you check for mail, looking when you water your garden, looking when you get company...he is always there...looking...looking...looking!!! It is kind of creepy and it drives me nuts. Yet, if there is trouble in the neighborhood and the cops question him he will say he didn't see anything!!
The temperature is HOT here today, must be in the high 90's....UGH!! There is a cannery about 5 miles from the house. When I was outside this morning there was the smell of onion soup in the air....how awful is that? I tasted it once and I hate onion soup.
I think it is the pine tree that makes me sneeze so much...there is no east solution to getting rid of it...oh well!!

What strange force invades the night that causes cats to seek their demise? I can drive the same streets for months finding nothing in my path, then a morning comes along like today and I see a number of dead cats...as if they formed a suicide pact during the night. All struck by cars in the night and now in various degrees of "squashiness" I saw 3 this morning... why all taken from this earth on the same night? All I can think of right now in my "sorrow" is Phoebe singing "stinky cat, stinky cat" on Friends....lol lol Another dead end story, once D came to work with a broken headlight, I asked what happened. D said "I hit a bird" Yeah...right I thought. I pictured his car flying in the air or maybe just D flying high... anyhow it was true, apparently this huge seagull was eating something on the roadway and when he heard D's car coming he tried to fly away, it was crash... bang...squish... it was to darn late!

I will admit my allergies are bad today and my vision is sort of blurry. But I saw what I saw when I drove past a house A sign was on the front lawn the size of those smaller "for sale" or "for rent" signs....only this one read "NOW RESTING" I had to laugh....guess the occupant wasn't interested in visitors or solicitors. Will a sign like that work?
Hot today near 90 degrees. I watched David Blaine last night, the guy scares me but I love him...sad he didn't make his goal of holding his breath under water. The infamous M called me today...why oh why didn't I just have the machine pick up the call. I had to listen to M's bragging for an hour, darn near ruined the my day. Tell me why do some people have to brag so much about themselves, their kids, their jobs etc? I find it annoying...VERY annoying.
Went to the grocery store had to pick up a couple of things..worked in the yard...watched tv...a typical boring day.. oh, doves are back!!

Last night I had a dream about JP a hippie I worked with for a few years. If he didn't already have a wife I would have married him! He was so laid back and handsome. Had long blond hair that touched his shoulders and the kindest blue eyes. He didn't care about money, giving up a job in real estate to sell t-shirts at fairs while studying to become a blackjack dealer. JP was so honest and a vegetarian..the total hippie package. His house didn't have much furniture just what was needed. His car was a beat up piece of junk. I never heard him raise his voice or swear. He was at total peace with nature. We planned buy an old house we saw that looked like a little castle and operate a wedding chapel from it. He was a minister in the Universal Life Church a degree he got by paying $20. He'd perform the ceremony, I would supply the champagne, cake and flowers...take pictures of the happy couple. Wow!! He moved out of town and over the years we lost track of each other...Anyhow, in my dream he was older and tanned, we were at a gathering trying to catch up on old times, finally he said 'let's get out of here'....first we went to a old dark church where a priest was saying mass, then he drove me to his house...told me he was born in southern Indiana...and I said 'are you telling me the truth?'...End of dream. Weird, huh? I just hope maybe somewhere JP is thinking of me...and I want him to know I am thinking of him too and I still care. Hope he's happy. And JP you know who you are...if you read this send me a email.

I want to listen to marachi bands and eat Mexican food tonight...Mexicans are beautiful, friendly people and I wish people would not look at them with so much prejudice...I heard remarks today that made me upset and uncomfortable. Must I defend every nationality? It is becoming a chore...I rant because some so called "Christains" do not show love and compassion...didn't Jesus love everyone equally? Aren't all souls equal? Until everyone learns to love on another this world will remain in turmoil. Am I sounding like a preacher? Sorry....
I walked in front of my neighbor's house and I heard a voice say "hello, how are you" I looked around and didn't see anyone...the voice talked again and I discovered Mr. Neighbor was talking to me from inside his house behind a screen door. Whew...I thought I was starting to hear "voices" ha ha So I stood on the sidewalk and talked to him, cars and people passing by must have thought I was having a conversation with a building....good thing no one came to take me away. Adios amigos....

Howdy Ho...I wonder if my eyesight improved during the night? Everything on my computer screen looks larger? The text size still is on "medium" so what happened? Oh well...
maybe it will adjust itself. Remember my infamous cousin M? A couple of years ago I gave M some family info to give to her son. Found out today she never did it and she has been lying to me about it all along! She is the same on who said I was to 'dumb' to understand "Reading Lolita in Tehran" and when I told her about my friendship with D said "are you going to go to a mosque and pray to Allah now" She has said and done a number of things through the years, always in a sarcastic...I always kept quiet...well maybe it's time for me to change?
Walked around the block, spied on the neighbors, looked a flowers, ran away from bumble bees... speaking of the outdoors saw my first hummingbird this afternoon....yes, Spring is in the air.

Hey dude it's May 1st!! I just discovered that this afternoon...I went around all day thinking it was April 31st...you can stop laughing now. How did May come upon us so quick? I'm looking at my "bald" pine tree as I type. It looks a lot better since it was trimmed. Just wish it grew straight up like other trees, but no, mine is sort of shaped like a parentheses> ) My tree is a non-conformist.... I love non-conformists!!
I thought I saw Moby wearing a blue t-shirt and jeans walking a brown and white dog down my street today??? He wouldn't be in central Calif. would he? lol Speaking of entertainers I heard on the news that Keith Richards fell out of a palm tree this weekend. What was he doing up in a palm tree? Keith is so cool.
My hayfever is awful today...thought I'd never stop sneezing. Why is it call "hay"fever when there is no hay for miles around and I still sneeze? So many questions...
Anyhow Happy May and Happy Birthday A wherever you are.